Monthly Archives:July 2014

The Secret Weapon for Protecting Kids from Unhealthy Sexualization

30 Jul 14

dadand aughter

Have you ever worried about how to protect your family from an overly sexualized world? If you have, you are not alone. Lots of parents wonder how they can protect their children from pornography use, addiction or problematic sexual behavior. Discussions about protecting children and teens usually center on using internet filters to keep children from seeing unhealthy images. Filters are important and it is crucial that you have a good one in place, but filters alone are not enough.

No matter how hard parents try to protect their family from negative influences, unhealthy sexuality is everywhere. It is imperative that children incrementally learn about human sexuality in developmentally appropriate ways. Parents need to teach teens and young adults what healthy sexuality is

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3 Building Blocks for Healthy Physical Intimacy

23 Jul 14


When you think of healthy physical intimacy what images come to mind? Unfortunately, many individuals grew up with images of physical intimacy in the media that were diluted at best, and all too often completely warped. So, what does healthy sex look like?

Healthy sex is more than physical mechanics. It is whole-hearted and felt emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Healthy sex is not about receiving physical pleasure alone, it’s about conscientiously loving another. The best sex isn’t a duty to be fulfilled, and it is never degrading or exploiting. Healthy sex is a journey of respect, honesty, vulnerability, connection, and love. Healthy intimacy is based on what happens outside the bedroom, not in the bedroom. Here are three building blocks of healthy intimacy:

#1 Be there for each other. How well couples respond to each other outside the bedroom can be a strong predictor of what happens inside. A willingness to share in another person’s journey without defensiveness, criticism, and judgment is important. We all experience life differently. We all need comfort at different times. Take the time to respond to your partner in a way that works for them.

#2 Remember to keep friendship alive. Remember the good old days of dating when you would talk for hours like good friends? Do you know what your partner’s goals and dreams are for the future? Are you supporting your partner in those goals and dreams? If not this could be impacting your sexuality. Friendship in the relationship is essential to romantic life. Find out what your partner is thinking on a deeper level.

#3 Be trustworthy. The very foundation of healthy sexuality is trust. If partners are not able to share their most vulnerable parts because of broken trust, sexuality will be impacted. Gottman (2011) suggests that honesty, transparency, accountability, ethics, and alliance are ways we can evaluate trustworthiness (p. 336). Make it a point to show your partner that you are trustworthy.

You can have healthy intimacy. Remember to take the time to be there for your partner and build friendship. Being trustworthy makes all the difference. Enjoy the journey together!

Reference: Gottman, J.M. (2011). The science of trust. New York, NY: W.W. Norton & Company, Inc..

Wonder Woman VS. The Velveteen Rabbit: My Real Story

16 Jul 14

The Velveteen Rabbit pg 1

By Margery Williams [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

I wanted to be Wonder Woman. Instead I turned into a worn out Velveteen Rabbit. There was a time in my life where I might have worn a shirt with the logo, “Perfection or Bust.” I wanted everything in my world to appear to be perfect. I was determined to have the perfect house, the perfect husband, and the perfect children. I would be Wonder Woman and save the world with my beauty and passion for looking like I had it all together. I couldn’t stand the thought of anyone knowing that I was just a person like everyone else. Having anyone see that I had flaws was not acceptable. Being seen as human was scary business. I laugh at it now, but at the time it was no laughing matter.

Nowadays I wear a shirt that reads, “Work in Progress.” It’s my favorite shirt, and I am comfortable wearing it. I know I have flaws and I accept my humanity. It’s not nearly as ego boosting as being Wonder Woman, but I am a whole ton happier. Instead of having my perfect little world, I got something better. I love more, and I am more lovable. It’s the Velveteen Rabbit way of living life. It’s not all that glamorous, but it’s better than anything I could have ever imagined in my Wonder Woman world. It’s sure a good thing that I don’t always get what I want.

Much like the Velveteen Rabbit, my process of getting “real” has been a long and hard. Becoming “real” was never a part of what I pictured for my life. Therefore it was something to be fought tooth and nail. Like the Velveteen rabbit I have been subjected to hard experiences. Things I would never want anyone else to go through. Things I didn’t believe I should have to go through. At times I have been torn, my stuffing hanging out, with my fuzz rubbed off. Truly humiliating for sure! Taking out what is inside of me and restuffing myself with better material has been worth the journey even in the pain. Sometimes I still have to take a look inside to see what work needs to be done. Painful, but necessary.

As a self-proclaimed Wonder Woman I would have never let anyone see my Velveteen stitches. That was way too shameful. As a WIP (work-in-progress) I know that showing my stitches is what builds my relationships with others. I share my heart, and I hear theirs. It’s a beautiful thing to be vulnerable in relationships. It’s a frightening and exhilarating thing to have your weaknesses exposed and still know that you can still be loved. It is also a beautiful thing when another person exposes their weaknesses and my heart opens with full acceptance. Nothing is more beautiful than grace.

Grace to me is more than a random word. Grace is everything to me. Grace is what allows me to be a work in progress. It’s being kind to myself in my brokenness. A place where brokenness is welcomed, accepted, and harnessed for good. A place where my weaknesses are not ugly blights but like the knots in knotty wood making me more beautiful. A place where all of me is accepted, not just what is good. The place of grace is the best place to be. Whether you see grace as a religious term or not, allowing grace for yourself is more stunning than any sunset. When it comes down to it, there really is no comparison between Wonder Woman and the Velveteen Rabbit. The Velveteen Rabbit wins in my eyes every time.

Who are you?

08 Jul 14


I have recently made myself aware of my vast number of inadequacies. Even more, I have realized that some of those inadequacies add up to behavior that I can’t control on my own. I have sought counseling. I have joined a twelve step program, Sexaholics Anonymous. I am constantly making phone calls, sharing my feelings and really tough emotions with other men who struggle with similar problems.

Sharing emotions with other men? Men don’t do that. At least not with how I was raised.

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