Category Archives: Sex

Physical and Emotional Intimacy: Before and After Recovery

09 Oct 14
anonymous
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good things comeMy wife just got back from an out of town retreat with her mom and sisters. I found her on the couch studying and I came and sat by her. I made sure that I could lightly touch her arm. I observed the emotional and physical state that she was wrapped in. I understood she was feeling tired, worn, and needing to get back to life. She was overwhelmed with trying to catch up with a busy schedule after taking a couple of days for herself. I expressed my connecting emotions to her with accuracy, allowing us to connect on an intimate level. Knowing where she was, I knew my part, and how better to love and accept her. I haven’t always been this way; I have reformed my behavior over time.

Sitting there, I realized that that there would have been many times in our marriage where similar circumstances would have triggered me. In our old dance, I might have said something like this (and would have thought all of it):

“Okay, it’s time for some sex fulfillment tonight. You know that tomorrow you are leaving me. That means I won’t be able to have any sex until you get home, and maybe not even then, cause you will be tired like always. I mean, you get home at midnight. So that shoots the return night out from having any physical intimacy. So we’d better be able to do something tonight.

Yeah, I know I will be home late from work. But it won’t be that late. So you will just have to be prepared for me. Never mind how your day might have been. (That consideration would not have been in my thoughts or caring). You knew you were to come home late from school, so you should have packed for your trip earlier today, that way when are both home, we can have some ‘goodbye sex’ time.”

After my wife would have returned home I would have thought:

“So now you are home, I know it’s late and you’re probably not interested in sex. But I am. Okay, so we can wait till the morning. You should be ready then, you know it’s been over a week now. I need to know that you still care for and love me. When we have sex at least we will be close and I will know you still want to be with me.” (Oh, the old erroneous thoughts with no consideration for her and her feelings!)

This is what I did in my new recovery dance:

I knew that my beautiful wife was busy with school work, volunteer work, house work, mothering, and more. So I figured she had not been able to pack herself for her trip. I asked our children to help any way they could. I showed my love and caring for her. I helped where I could; I even stayed home from my work the next morning to be with a sick child. I had not built up my self-centered thoughts of the need for sex. I knew that pushing physical intimacy the way I used to was not an expression of loving intimacy from her to me. I loved her with real love not lust.

I used to force sexuality upon her with unsaid (or even said) guilt trips. For her, sex became strictly a duty. I am now not interested in her giving up her body as a “wifely duty” to please my lust. I have come to understand that this is not the closeness I want. I was not noticing or making any effort to meet her needs before. I did not show caring and love for her.
As I sat on the couch next to my wife after her retreat, I became aware of my growth. I understood that being empathetic and not pushy would create between us a stronger bond of whole life intimacy. Sex would come and it would be better at the time she could be whole with me. Sexual intimacy would happen eventually because she felt secure in our emotional connection. I also knew that our sexual experience would be one where both of us were meeting each other’s needs, instead of just one person having their needs met.

This change happened when I learned and understood how to meet my wife’s needs first.

Good Pictures, Bad Pictures

25 Sep 14
anonymous
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Good Pictures, Bad Pictures Front Cover

Good Pictures, Bad Pictures Front Cover

As a recovering sexaholic there is a lot of shame that goes along with pornography for me. This shame creates quite a conundrum for me when I think about trying to talk about this with my kids who are pretty young and really have no concept of what pornography is and how it can affect a person. I start feeling anxious and overwhelmed when I

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The Secret Weapon for Protecting Kids from Unhealthy Sexualization

30 Jul 14
anonymous

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dadand aughter

Have you ever worried about how to protect your family from an overly sexualized world? If you have, you are not alone. Lots of parents wonder how they can protect their children from pornography use, addiction or problematic sexual behavior. Discussions about protecting children and teens usually center on using internet filters to keep children from seeing unhealthy images. Filters are important and it is crucial that you have a good one in place, but filters alone are not enough.

No matter how hard parents try to protect their family from negative influences, unhealthy sexuality is everywhere. It is imperative that children incrementally learn about human sexuality in developmentally appropriate ways. Parents need to teach teens and young adults what healthy sexuality is

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3 Building Blocks for Healthy Physical Intimacy

23 Jul 14
anonymous

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Couple1

When you think of healthy physical intimacy what images come to mind? Unfortunately, many individuals grew up with images of physical intimacy in the media that were diluted at best, and all too often completely warped. So, what does healthy sex look like?

Healthy sex is more than physical mechanics. It is whole-hearted and felt emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Healthy sex is not about receiving physical pleasure alone, it’s about conscientiously loving another. The best sex isn’t a duty to be fulfilled, and it is never degrading or exploiting. Healthy sex is a journey of respect, honesty, vulnerability, connection, and love. Healthy intimacy is based on what happens outside the bedroom, not in the bedroom. Here are three building blocks of healthy intimacy:

#1 Be there for each other. How well couples respond to each other outside the bedroom can be a strong predictor of what happens inside. A willingness to share in another person’s journey without defensiveness, criticism, and judgment is important. We all experience life differently. We all need comfort at different times. Take the time to respond to your partner in a way that works for them.

#2 Remember to keep friendship alive. Remember the good old days of dating when you would talk for hours like good friends? Do you know what your partner’s goals and dreams are for the future? Are you supporting your partner in those goals and dreams? If not this could be impacting your sexuality. Friendship in the relationship is essential to romantic life. Find out what your partner is thinking on a deeper level.

#3 Be trustworthy. The very foundation of healthy sexuality is trust. If partners are not able to share their most vulnerable parts because of broken trust, sexuality will be impacted. Gottman (2011) suggests that honesty, transparency, accountability, ethics, and alliance are ways we can evaluate trustworthiness (p. 336). Make it a point to show your partner that you are trustworthy.

You can have healthy intimacy. Remember to take the time to be there for your partner and build friendship. Being trustworthy makes all the difference. Enjoy the journey together!

Reference: Gottman, J.M. (2011). The science of trust. New York, NY: W.W. Norton & Company, Inc..


Healthy Sex

01 Jun 14
anonymous
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Healthysex.com is dedicated to promoting love-based, healthy sexuality. The information found here can help you make responsible decisions about sex, heal sex problems, and increase your sexual pleasure and happiness with a partner.

What is Sexaholics Anonymous?

30 Sep 13
anonymous
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Sexaholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover.