Category Archives: Sex Addiction

10 Years into My Husband’s Recovery: 3 Things I am Grateful For

11 Jan 15
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10 Years into Recovery: 3 Things I’m Grateful For

My husband struggled with sex addiction for the first 10 years of our marriage, but it has now been 10 years since he relapsed. Along this journey I have had bad days, really REALLY bad days, worse days than even that, moments of joy, peace, and now a profound gratitude for the journey. I admit that I used to hate women who said they felt grateful for the journey. I would shoot daggers at them with my eyes. How dare they use words like “grateful” when my life was falling apart? Yet, as I sit and reflect on this whole journey I have to admit that I have actually turned into one of those “grateful “sorts of women. Here are three things I learned on the journey that I am grateful for.

1. I am grateful for hope.

At times it seemed like my life was destined to include one disastrous event after another. However, over the past few weeks I have been stunned by how much life has changed in the past year alone. I don’t think I could have imagined 10 years ago the life I am living now. It would have been mind blowing. I couldn’t have imagined being almost two years into a graduate degree. I couldn’t have imagined that a struggling teenage son would turn his life around and start to thrive. I couldn’t have imagined how much better the relationship with my husband would become. Many of the things I despaired over have turned out much better than I could have ever foreseen. Knowing this gives me hope that no matter what happens, there is always hope for a brighter future.

2. I am grateful for my imperfections and the imperfections of my loved ones.

I haven’t always felt this way. There was once a time when I wanted everything in my world to be perfect. Perfection meant I was doing everything right and therefore could be lovable. Now I know that love isn’t earned through being perfect. It is about allowing my weaknesses to be seen, and in that process know that I am loved even with my weaknesses. I’m learning that one really doesn’t love fully until they love both the strengths and the weaknesses of another person. Imperfection doesn’t take away from our beauty; it is what makes us beautiful. We are all a wonderful combination of both strengths and weaknesses. Being aware of my own weaknesses has helped me to be more patient with the weaknesses of others. I’m not perfect at letting go of trying to be perfect, I still have my moments. Yet I see the beauty in all of my life’s landscape because I know that it makes me who I am and is making me into who I can be.

3. I am grateful that there are challenges in life.

I know it sounds crazy, but the very thing that I thought was destroying my life – was actually trying to give me my life. I definitely didn’t see it that way in the beginning. At first I believed that I must have done something horribly wrong to deserve a husband with this addiction. Having hard times meant that I was somehow not enough as a person. I had this belief that if I was good enough then life should be smooth sailing.

I don’t believe this is true anymore. Instead of wanting a life of smooth sailing, I want my life to be one of constant growth. Unfortunately, growth comes from unpleasant circumstances and lots of discomfort. Challenges are like a gift that gives us the chance to move to the next level, they are not a curse because we are not doing all the wrong things. It’s not that I like going through hard times- I don’t. But during these hard times I am learning to anchor myself in the knowledge that this is something I can learn from, and that someday I will be able to see the trial with a new perspective.

Physical and Emotional Intimacy: Before and After Recovery

09 Oct 14
anonymous
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good things comeMy wife just got back from an out of town retreat with her mom and sisters. I found her on the couch studying and I came and sat by her. I made sure that I could lightly touch her arm. I observed the emotional and physical state that she was wrapped in. I understood she was feeling tired, worn, and needing to get back to life. She was overwhelmed with trying to catch up with a busy schedule after taking a couple of days for herself. I expressed my connecting emotions to her with accuracy, allowing us to connect on an intimate level. Knowing where she was, I knew my part, and how better to love and accept her. I haven’t always been this way; I have reformed my behavior over time.

Sitting there, I realized that that there would have been many times in our marriage where similar circumstances would have triggered me. In our old dance, I might have said something like this (and would have thought all of it):

“Okay, it’s time for some sex fulfillment tonight. You know that tomorrow you are leaving me. That means I won’t be able to have any sex until you get home, and maybe not even then, cause you will be tired like always. I mean, you get home at midnight. So that shoots the return night out from having any physical intimacy. So we’d better be able to do something tonight.

Yeah, I know I will be home late from work. But it won’t be that late. So you will just have to be prepared for me. Never mind how your day might have been. (That consideration would not have been in my thoughts or caring). You knew you were to come home late from school, so you should have packed for your trip earlier today, that way when are both home, we can have some ‘goodbye sex’ time.”

After my wife would have returned home I would have thought:

“So now you are home, I know it’s late and you’re probably not interested in sex. But I am. Okay, so we can wait till the morning. You should be ready then, you know it’s been over a week now. I need to know that you still care for and love me. When we have sex at least we will be close and I will know you still want to be with me.” (Oh, the old erroneous thoughts with no consideration for her and her feelings!)

This is what I did in my new recovery dance:

I knew that my beautiful wife was busy with school work, volunteer work, house work, mothering, and more. So I figured she had not been able to pack herself for her trip. I asked our children to help any way they could. I showed my love and caring for her. I helped where I could; I even stayed home from my work the next morning to be with a sick child. I had not built up my self-centered thoughts of the need for sex. I knew that pushing physical intimacy the way I used to was not an expression of loving intimacy from her to me. I loved her with real love not lust.

I used to force sexuality upon her with unsaid (or even said) guilt trips. For her, sex became strictly a duty. I am now not interested in her giving up her body as a “wifely duty” to please my lust. I have come to understand that this is not the closeness I want. I was not noticing or making any effort to meet her needs before. I did not show caring and love for her.
As I sat on the couch next to my wife after her retreat, I became aware of my growth. I understood that being empathetic and not pushy would create between us a stronger bond of whole life intimacy. Sex would come and it would be better at the time she could be whole with me. Sexual intimacy would happen eventually because she felt secure in our emotional connection. I also knew that our sexual experience would be one where both of us were meeting each other’s needs, instead of just one person having their needs met.

This change happened when I learned and understood how to meet my wife’s needs first.

What is Sexaholics Anonymous?

30 Sep 13
anonymous
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Sexaholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover.